Lame Jokes, just so someone will laugh at them (Or pretend to) Options

[mmi16]

When a woman wears Leather clothing.
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally!






Ever wonder why?













Because she smells like a new truck!

[mmi16]

The Boss Of The House

Kyle and Justin were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle noticed the baby sitter sit down in his daddy's seat.

"You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Tonight I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4-year-old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

[mmi16]

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[mmi16]

A piece of string walks into a bar

The redneck bartender sez "AY! We don' take kindly to pieces a String 'round 'ere! Now BEAT IT!"

The piece of string leaves, goes outside and smacks himself against the wall, throws himself on the ground and generally beats the heck out of himself for a couple minutes, then walks back into the bar

The bartender sez "AY! Aren't yew that piece a string I just kicked out a minute ago?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

[mmi16]

The Moose Trap

A Scotsman on vacation in the U.S. payed his first visit to the zoo. Stopping by one of the cages he saw a man feeding the animal.

"An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.

"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man...they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!"

[mmi16]

Cruise Questions Even the Love Boat Captain Can't Answer!

Top Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, the question asked: "If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?"

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

[mmi16]

Diamond Day

Liam O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patty's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler...

He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, upon learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," smiled Liam. "You see, I gave you a SHAM rock!"

[mmi16]

Thanksgiving Turkey

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.

[mmi16]

Press Pause

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

"I'll have a gin.........................and tonic."

The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"