ridles, jokes, and funny things... Options

[chicos tacos]

ok i start...

can you answer this...???

if one doctor doctors another doctor
does the doctor who doctors the doctor
doctor he is doctoring doctors?
or does the doctor doctor the way the
doctor who doctors doctors?

This post has been edited by chicos tacos: Jan 28 2010, 05:03 PM

[chicos tacos]

TONGUE TWISTERS



a good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies...

betty botter bought some butter, but she said"this butter's bitter! but a bit of butter will but make my butter better" so she bought some better butter, better that bitter butter, and it made her butter better so was better betty botter bought a bit of better butter...

This post has been edited by chicos tacos: Jan 28 2010, 05:03 PM

[chicos tacos]

weird questions...


why is there a disclaimer on the allstate auto insurance commercials that says " not available in all states..."

when does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny...???

if you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity...???

if youre asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and youre the main witness, what if you say "no"...

how far east can you go before you start heading west...???

if pro and con are opposites , wouldnt the opposite of progress be congress...???

if a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest...???

whats the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup...???

is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic...???

why is vanilla icecream white when vanilla extract is brown...???

what do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant...???

if a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient...???

how can something be "new and improved"??? if its new, what was it improved on...???

why do people say beans beans the magical fruit...when beans are vegetables...

if laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they "died laughing:...???

if money doesnt grow on trees then why do banks have branches...???

why does the easter bunny carry eggs??? if rabbits dont lay eggs...

do prison buses have emergency exits...???

when lightning strikes the ocean... why dont all the fish die...???

if a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him...???

why are there interstate highways in hawaii...???

if a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense...???

if parents say, never take candy from strangers then why do we celebrate halloween...

is there ever a day that matresses are not on sale...???

why is it called a funny bone, when you hit it, its not funny at all...

This post has been edited by chicos tacos: Jan 28 2010, 05:02 PM

[cactusjack]

weird questions...
why is there a disclaimer on the allstate auto insurance commercials that says " not available in all states..."

if you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity...???

whats the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup...???
what do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant...???

if a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient...???

how can something be "new and improved"??? if its new, what was it improved on...???

do prison buses have emergency exits...???

when lightning strikes the ocean... why dont all the fish die...???

if a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him...???

if parents say, never take candy from strangers then why do we celebrate halloween...

is there ever a day that matresses are not on sale...???

These ones were my favorites. The ones that made me think was the doctor having a heart attack and the prison bus one.

[stusson]

WHAT's UP?

UP



This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary
as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why
are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room,
polishUP the silver, warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fixUP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think
UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP
in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may windUP with a hundred or more

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go
on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the
morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!



Did that one crack you UP?

UP for more?

Put some UP on this thread, it's UP to you.


Don't screw UP.

My time here is UP, now I'll shut UP!

[wingsovernc]

WHAT's UP?

UP



This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary
as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why
are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room,
polishUP the silver, warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fixUP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think
UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP
in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may windUP with a hundred or more

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go
on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the
morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!



Did that one crack you UP?

UP for more?

Put some UP on this thread, it's UP to you.


Don't screw UP.

My time here is UP, now I'll shut UP!

It would've perked UP the "Things in common" thread...

[wingsovernc]

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[Yakitutu]

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[wingsovernc]

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[mmi16]

"As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to

play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so

the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I

didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and

the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and

they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the

grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know what

else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played Out

my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've

never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,

we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for

my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Never seen

nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing

[wingsovernc]

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[mmi16]

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I thought that Paula Deen was getting ready to deep fry a stick of butter and then serve it with Holandise Sauce and a side of deep fried choclate bar!

[wingsovernc]

I thought that Paula Deen was getting ready to deep fry a stick of butter and then serve it with Holandise Sauce and a side of deep fried choclate bar!

You need to submit that recipe to her show...you might get a fee for it and possibly
a guest appearance on her show (to prepare it on live tv)!

[mmi16]

You need to submit that recipe to her show...you might get a fee for it and possibly
a guest appearance on her show (to prepare it on live tv)!

I can only think of it....not how to prepare it!

[wingsovernc]

Hope this isn't a repost, I go through so much stuff and forget to throw out a lot
of it!!

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[mmi16]

My First Love

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion crashing between the young couple...

The ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable -- "Of course you are!" she said.

Then she added, "And also the best, too! I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

[wingsovernc]

Wings does not necessarily agree with all of these...she's just presenting it as she found it....

Ten Things Never To Say To A Woman:

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[mmi16]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.



















Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt

[wingsovernc]

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[mmi16]

Drinkin' Driver

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"

The driver said, - "Well that depends - You buyin'?"