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> ridles, jokes, and funny things...
mmi16
post Feb 22 2012, 03:24 PM
Post #21




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Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft"


--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


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mmi16
post Feb 26 2012, 12:51 AM
Post #22




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Slick & Silk

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box."




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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wingsovernc
post Apr 12 2012, 04:54 PM
Post #23




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Riddle:

You're a prisoner sentenced to death. The Emperor offers you a chance to
live by playing a simple game. He gives you 50 black marbles, 50 white marbles
and 2 empty bowls. He then says, "Divide these 100 marbles into these
two bowls. You can divide them anyway you like as long as you use all the
marbles. Then I will blindfold you and mix the bowls and marbles up. You can
then choose one bowl and one marble. If the marble is white, you live.
If the marble is black...you die."

How do you divide the marbles up so that you have the greatest probability
of choosing a white marble?


--------------------













You don't lose friends, because real friends can never be lost. You lose
people masquerading as friends, and you're better for it.


~Mandy Hale
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mmi16
post Apr 16 2012, 03:05 AM
Post #24




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Wedding Invitations

My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding.

The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.

Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.

Family and friends were surprised to read:

"Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.

Everyone is invited!"




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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wingsovernc
post Apr 16 2012, 04:29 PM
Post #25




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This is kind of like a riddle, it fascinated me when I found it.

Attached File  Believe_it_or_not_this_is_true.JPG ( 51.5K ) Number of downloads: 7


--------------------













You don't lose friends, because real friends can never be lost. You lose
people masquerading as friends, and you're better for it.


~Mandy Hale
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mmi16
post Apr 18 2012, 12:05 AM
Post #26




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Useless Advice

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner," answered the patient.

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you," replied the patient.





--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post Apr 18 2012, 04:56 PM
Post #27




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What salespeople say and what they mean by it:


New: Different color from previous design.

All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.

Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.

Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.

Years of development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn't work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.

Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.

Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.

High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.

SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.

New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.

Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.

Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post May 13 2012, 04:20 AM
Post #28




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Jealous Lover

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post May 14 2012, 02:22 PM
Post #29




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10 words that do not exist...but should...



1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post May 15 2012, 11:30 PM
Post #30




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The Laziest Among You

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post May 24 2012, 02:21 AM
Post #31




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Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
The nail that sticks out gets hammered



--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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CMeyers
post May 24 2012, 02:18 PM
Post #32




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QUOTE(wingsovernc @ Apr 12 2012, 05:54 PM) *
Riddle:

You're a prisoner sentenced to death. The Emperor offers you a chance to
live by playing a simple game. He gives you 50 black marbles, 50 white marbles
and 2 empty bowls. He then says, "Divide these 100 marbles into these
two bowls. You can divide them anyway you like as long as you use all the
marbles. Then I will blindfold you and mix the bowls and marbles up. You can
then choose one bowl and one marble. If the marble is white, you live.
If the marble is black...you die."

How do you divide the marbles up so that you have the greatest probability
of choosing a white marble?

I'd split the black and white marbles into two piles. I'd put the white marbles into one of the bowls and then I'd turn the other bowl upside down over the black marbles. All the marbles split into the two bowls and it'd be really easy to know which was which after he mixed them up. Unless he has it out for me and decides to flip the bowls over...

If he doesn't like that idea I suppose I'd go for the best odds and put 1 white marble in one bowl and then all the other 99 marbles in the other bowl.


--------------------
ChsChargers09 - Please be aware that there is a significant chance I was being sarcastic in the above comment. Thank you.
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mmi16
post Jun 2 2012, 12:51 PM
Post #33




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IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life..
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.





Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!'


--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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wingsovernc
post Jun 2 2012, 01:35 PM
Post #34




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Posts: 63,532
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From: North Carolina
Member No.: 22,154





QUOTE(mmi16 @ Jun 2 2012, 01:51 PM) *
IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life..
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.





Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!'


Here I was all during that story.... ohmy.gif ohmy.gif

And on the last sentence... dry.gif

I wanted a ghost and you tricked me!


--------------------













You don't lose friends, because real friends can never be lost. You lose
people masquerading as friends, and you're better for it.


~Mandy Hale
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Lostangel43
post Jun 2 2012, 03:40 PM
Post #35




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From: Theres no place like home ToTo!
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Subject: Growing up without a cell phone, so funny!

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways, yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of *bleep* like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our *bleep*! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy *bleep* like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *bleep* and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)


--------------------

Got my coffee,
Got my ciggarettes
Got my computer
And took my prozac
It's gonna be a great day!
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mmi16
post Jun 2 2012, 03:58 PM
Post #36




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Group: Member
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QUOTE(Lostangel43 @ Jun 2 2012, 04:40 PM) *
Subject: Growing up without a cell phone, so funny!

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways, yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of *bleep* like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our *bleep*! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy *bleep* like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *bleep* and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

I do have to bust you bubble on one point - Microwaves were commercially available in the early 70's - so most of the over 30's would have had them available in childhood - the over 40's on the other hand!


--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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mmi16
post Jun 11 2012, 11:18 PM
Post #37




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Rapidfire Funnies

Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.

Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.

Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.




--------------------
Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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Yakitutu
post Jun 20 2012, 09:26 PM
Post #38




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QUOTE(wingsovernc @ Apr 12 2012, 05:54 PM) *
Riddle:

You're a prisoner sentenced to death. The Emperor offers you a chance to
live by playing a simple game. He gives you 50 black marbles, 50 white marbles
and 2 empty bowls. He then says, "Divide these 100 marbles into these
two bowls. You can divide them anyway you like as long as you use all the
marbles. Then I will blindfold you and mix the bowls and marbles up. You can
then choose one bowl and one marble. If the marble is white, you live.
If the marble is black...you die."

How do you divide the marbles up so that you have the greatest probability
of choosing a white marble?


what is the answer for this? i know already read that somewhere? ohmy.gif


--------------------
May the odds be ever in my favor
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wingsovernc
post Jun 20 2012, 09:35 PM
Post #39




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QUOTE(Yakitutu @ Jun 20 2012, 10:26 PM) *
what is the answer for this? i know already read that somewhere? ohmy.gif


I'll post it after awhile...it's been so long I forgot what I did with the answer! rolleyes.gif laugh.gif


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mmi16
post Jun 29 2012, 05:01 PM
Post #40




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Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?



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