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> Tickle Your Funny Bone, Jokes, funnies, and things that make you LOL!
Hopeful
post Apr 3 2008, 04:54 PM
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I received this in my e-mail today. I am still crying from laughing so hard. Thought I'd share.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Procter and Gamble regarding their feminine products.

She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, youmust know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you *bleepin* kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull *bleep*. And that's a promise I will keep Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
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Tornado Boy
post Apr 3 2008, 05:50 PM
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LOL good one! Heres a quick one...
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An elderly couple is at church sitting in the pew. The preacher is doing his sermen. And the elderly wife turns to her husband and says "I just let a slient fart, what do I do?" and the husband says "Turn up your hearing aide". LOL


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Hopeful
post Apr 3 2008, 06:20 PM
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Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."


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Hopeful
post Apr 3 2008, 06:23 PM
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Mental Health Hotline
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.



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Attached File  f0e15d4c6d2b4385117ec6ea5dbcdd845ad7446.gif ( 4.65K ) Number of downloads: 20
 


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Tornado Boy
post Apr 3 2008, 06:25 PM
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The smiley faces you are attaching makes me laugh the most LOL laugh.gif


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weatherbud
post Apr 4 2008, 05:46 AM
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LOL! Those are very good one... laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Nice read...


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"Snowflakes are kisses from heaven..."
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Maw
post Apr 4 2008, 07:23 AM
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QUOTE(Tornado Boy @ Apr 3 2008, 07:25 PM) *
The smiley faces you are attaching makes me laugh the most LOL laugh.gif



Hopeful totally cracks me up!!


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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

Rather it should be to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and the Good Book in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
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MWhit
post Apr 5 2008, 08:24 AM
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even went looking and missed the other thread LOL

This post has been edited by MWhit: Apr 5 2008, 08:34 AM


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Cut me and I'll bleed Ford blue!!!

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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MWhit
post Apr 5 2008, 08:35 AM
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A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was
a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and
found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all
the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get
the picture! He copied the phone number and returned
to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what
the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded *bleep*.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should
be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I
really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and
I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to
press 9 for an outside line .'


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Cut me and I'll bleed Ford blue!!!

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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yeti
post Apr 5 2008, 09:24 AM
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A man walks into a restaurant followed by a sweaty ostrich. He sits down the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a cheesburger, fries and a coke". He looks at the ostrich and says "Tell her what you want", the ostrich says, "I'll have the same". They finish their meal and the waitress brings the check and says, "That will be eight dollars and 42 cents. The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking hands her the correct change.

Then next day the man walks in the same restaurant followed by the sweaty ostrich. The same waitress waits on them and asks for their order. The man says. "I'll have a cheesburger, fries and a coke". He looks at the ostrich and says "tell her what you want", the ostrich says, "I'll have the same". They finish their meal and the waitress brings the check, the man again reaches in his pocket without looking and produces the exact change.

Then man comes in the third day followed by the sweaty ostrich. He sits down and the very same waitress comes up to take the order. The man says, "it's friday! I'll have the ribeye medium rare, a baked pot and sweet tea", he looks at the ostrich and says tell her what you want, the ostrich says "I'll have the same". They finish their meal and the waitress brings the check. "That'll be twent four dollars and fourteen cents". Then man reaches in his pocket and to her amazement brings out the exact change.

Curiosity has now gotten the better of her so she says to the man. "This is the third time you have come in here, ordered your food, bought food for the ostrich and at the end you produce the exact amount of change. How do you do that?"
The man smiles and tells her, "I found this box and when I opened it a genie appeared offering me two wishes for having freed him. I thought about it long and hard. My first wish was any time I wanted anything I could just reach in my pocket and produce the exact amount of money. That way..." "You will never run out of money!", the waitress finished for him. "How very wise of you! She glanced at the ostrich and said, "so what about the sweating ostrich?"

The man winced and said. "Since I was alone, I wished for a hot chick with long legs, a big butt and who would agree with everything I said".

This post has been edited by yeti: Apr 5 2008, 09:29 AM


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I cant change the world and make things fair, the least that I can do is care......
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TheWatch
post Apr 5 2008, 01:21 PM
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My favorites have been the Happy Period and the osterich so far. biggrin.gif

I'm sure alot of women have wanted to kick whoever came up with that idea...(I do).




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"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

--Albert Einstein--
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mmi16
post Apr 5 2008, 03:23 PM
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A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blond driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blond. "Those are my emergency flashers!"


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Never too old to have a happy childhood!


....................


Don't put an age limit on your dreams!
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Hopeful
post Apr 5 2008, 06:04 PM
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LOL





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Maw
post Apr 6 2008, 11:55 AM
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Talking to God

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

The man asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute." ohmy.gif


--------------------
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

Rather it should be to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and the Good Book in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
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raughammer
post Apr 9 2008, 07:08 PM
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Shallow Thoughts

Not all men are fools, some are bachelors.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end
Up at work.

I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean!

In the immortal words of an art history major: Do you want fries
With that?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -
Wernher von Braun

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
Their level of incompetence.


--------------------
In his farewell address (September 19, 1796), President George Washington told the nation: "Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle. . . . Virtue or morality is a necessary spring of popular government."
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raughammer
post Apr 9 2008, 07:19 PM
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up your hand." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken", the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. How wonderful, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the
instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


--------------------
In his farewell address (September 19, 1796), President George Washington told the nation: "Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle. . . . Virtue or morality is a necessary spring of popular government."
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raughammer
post Apr 9 2008, 07:49 PM
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Finkelstein and Jesus


Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read ?






Are you sure you want to know ?






Don't say you weren't warned......




















Lord

&

Taylor




OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN! You know you're going to pass it on.

This post has been edited by raughammer: Apr 9 2008, 07:51 PM


--------------------
In his farewell address (September 19, 1796), President George Washington told the nation: "Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle. . . . Virtue or morality is a necessary spring of popular government."
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Maw
post Apr 11 2008, 02:20 PM
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Here is a mini-IQ test:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it , then look down.


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend ..... Except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to The Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.




--------------------
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

Rather it should be to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and the Good Book in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
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ilbdunnaminit
post Apr 11 2008, 02:53 PM
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QUOTE(Maw @ Apr 11 2008, 02:20 PM) *
Here is a mini-IQ test:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it , then look down.


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend ..... Except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to The Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

good one maw but now i feel like a big dummy ph34r.gif


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JUST TRYIN TO GET BY!!! TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
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Maw
post Apr 11 2008, 02:58 PM
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QUOTE(ilbdunnaminit @ Apr 11 2008, 03:53 PM) *
good one maw but now i feel like a big dummy ph34r.gif


At least I have company. blink.gif


--------------------
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

Rather it should be to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and the Good Book in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
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